You're young. You're confused. You wanna do the right thing, but man, is life a mess sometimes! In other words, you're All Twangled Up. Fear not -- Spanky is here to help: a man with no home, but with volumes of home-spun wisdom. A man with a classified past, but a very public future. Part lounge lizard, part backwoods preacher. A guy who knows the ropes, and how to untangle 'em, too. Got a problem? Spanky's here to help.

We can't guarantee his advice actually will help, but it's sure to take you down interesting paths. Email your queries to Spanky and end (or deepen) the confusion!

Lockjaw's in Love
Dear Spanky,
I seriously need your help. There is this girl in my school that I really like. I never asked her out. But she said to me that she wanst to get to know me better. I agreed. Now I am waiting for a chance to ask her out. But the problem is that I do not talk to her at all. I am shy and scared of saying the wrong things. I am always silent around her. It annoys me and she says "How can I go out with someone who does not even talk to me.". It is not like I don't want to, but nothing comes out of my mouth even If I want to talk to her. I am going to go on my second "date" with her this sunday. But then her friends also come along, and then I have to bring a friend along too. That really bugs me. I want to be alone with her and talk to her, but when her friends are there it is hard for me to talk to her. So I become silent again. What should I do. please help me out.

Sincerely, Confused

Confused,

You need to go ahead and bite the bullet and just open up to this chick. First tell her you want to see her when her friends aren't around. If she's annoyed that you won't talk to her tell her it's because we're never alone to have a chance to talk. Turn it back on her. sounds like you've got things moving in the right direction though.

Taking It To The Next Level
Dear Spanky,
Hi. I have been reading through your letters and it seems like you know what you're talking about. I have a quick but important question for you. There is this girl that I like and we have been friends for a long time. We "hang out" together and do stuff, but it has always been in the context of two friends doing things together. We always have a lot of fun and see each other a lot. I really like her and want our relationship to become a boyfriend/girlfriend instead of two friends. I don't think she has a crush on anyone, but I don't know how comfortable she would be. I really don't want to mess up our friendship, but I really want to go our with her and take it to the next level. Please let me know if you have any advice. Thanks, Trev

Trev,
If you've read my letters and advice and whatnot, you can probably tell that my advice is to generally tell people to go for it. Suck the marrow out of life and don't let your insecurities stop you from enjoying what life has to offer. With most people they want to cover their bases so if they get rejected they don't feel or look stupid. Well, any kind of rejection is going to make you hurt, that's human nature. It all has to be turned around so that people aren't afraid to be rejected but they have a fear of failure. Failure to achieve new heights because they let the fear of rejection overwhelm them and keep them locked into their current safe status quo lives.

Having said all that, you have what sounds to me like the most likely possibility for a good thing here of most letters I receive. You already have a great friendship going. The thing to do is sometime when the mood feels right is ask her if she's ever thought about what it would be like if the two of you "took it to the next level" or "the next step", that makes dating sound like a natural progression for the two of you, which it probably is. She might just surprise you. Remember she may avoid the question so have a follow up. You may not realize it, but whoever asks the last question is in control of the conversation. That's why people answer difficult questions with a question. Anyhow, I doubt your friendship will be ruined by this discussion no matter what happens.

A lot of this may have been off the point of what you originally asked, but maybe it helps.

An Age-Old Dilemma
Dear Spanky,
I don't know what to do. My ex-boyfriend of a year and four months broke up about four months ago. My current boyfriend is the guy that I experienced my first love with for 1 year. The problem is I still miss my ex. The guy I am with now treats me so GOOD!!! But I can't help to think about my ex. Sometimes I wonder if my new guy and I are living on memories. My heart still feels empty without him here. Should I tell my ex how I feel even though he has a new girl? I wish I knew what he was thinking. What should I do about my current relationship?

Sounds to me like you need to spend sometime without any boyfriend for a while. Here's why:

Sounds to me like you have no feelings for your current boyfriend but it's familiar and comfortable. He's a nice fella, and he'll be good for someone - but you're not it and you seem to know that. Be honest with him and tell him you like him a lot as friends but he deserves someone that will treat him as good as he treats you. He won't like that, but in the long run it will be better.

Do not break up your ex with his new girl. You have no reason to believe he wants back with you so why go screwing up things for other people who for all intents and purposes happy.

Now that you're single, stay that way for a while. You need to make sure that you're not the kind of chick that HAS to have a guy to feel worth while. What ever you may be thinking, you will not know if this is true until you decide to be single for a set amount of time and actually do it. One month would be the bare minimum if not two. This doesn't mean you don't go to the prom or anything, you just go with somebody as friends or something. The reason I suggest this is because chicks that have to have a guy with them at all times are opening the doors to getting stuck in bad relationships and at its worst, abusive relationships, and nobody wants that.

A Short Time For Maybe The Long-Term
Dear Spanky,
I'm going to Florida on Friday and am going to see this girl that I met on a previous vacations. Last time I was shy around her but we became pretty good friends. My brother told me that her friend told him she liked me but I never did any thing about it. I'm 16 and she's 17 and I'm crazy about her. I've strengthened the relationship by writing letters back and forth. I've only got about 8 days to hook up with her. What do think would be the best plan of attack to hook up with her as soon as possible but not over doing it? How do you go from really good friends to boyfriend/girlfriend?
Evan

Dear Evan,
Well it may not be the best way, but the easiest is a 6-pack of beer and a stroll on the beach. Don't go for a 12-pack since you don't want to get anybody sick. Actually, Florida beer is just one step up from water, so a 12-pack may be in order. But that would be illegal at your age. So I cannot in good conscience advise that.

If all you can arrange is a stroll on the beach, take her out to a secluded patch of sand along the waves and just plant one right on her. Say something like, "You know, I've wanted to this since I first met you. It's all I can think about." Chicks dig that, especially when it's the truth. If your sources are correct, you'll be in like Flynt. If not, at least you'll know and you can move on.

Mixed Signals and Crossed Wires
Hi, my name is Kari, and I am 16 years old. Last summer I met this guy (my cousin's best friend,"Mark"). He is older than I am, so when he found out I wanted to date him he said I was too young. This summer I think he has changed his mind. He keeps flirting with me, but only when my cousin is around.He knows the family and everything because he and my cousin come over all the time. When he is around the family, its almost as if he doesn't even know I'm there. The other day my grandma asked him where I was and he replied, "Kari who?" Like he didn't even know me! Whenever I'm across the room or something I look over where he is at and he will be staring at me. Here is my question,does he really like me,and why is he acting like he doesn't know me?
Thanks,
Kari

Well Kari, what you have on your hands is one bona fide love sick fool. Every time this fella looks your way, he gets all squishy and knotted up inside. You see, one of the most important things to a guy is to come off looking cool and collected in a James Dean sort of way. This is not the easiest thing in the world when it feels like you've got a thousand monkeys hopped up on coffee bouncing around your abdomen on pogo sticks. To combat this, most guys over-compensate, especially around adults, like your family, who have no idea what he's going through -- or so he thinks.

By the same token, a guy's instinct tells him that it's just not cool to flirt with a chick around her family. There's that fear in the back of his mind that your dad will take him out back and threaten to pull his lungs out his nose if he thinks even one impure thought about his beautiful little princess. You see, fathers have been there, and they know what it's like (or they never would have become fathers in the first place). Teenage guys either totally forget this, or they become REALLY paranoid about it. And though there are a lot of guys out there who deserve the old lungs-through-the-nostrils treatment, it rarely happens.

Around your cousin he's more free with his flirtations because your cousin is his peer, so he's not as guarded. I'd suggest you string this guy along a little bit. Have fun. Flirt just enough to drive him crazy as pay-back for saying you were too young before.

By the way, this fella's not, like, 25 or something is he? If so, we have a whole new set of circumstances to deal with.

Slow down and stand your ground
Dear Spanky- There's this guy named Phillip. He says he likes me and from the otherday, I believe it. But, he hasn't called me since. My phone screwed up the other day and was messed up for about 2 or 3 days. Should I be worried?

Niki, let me go through this piece by piece as you've gotten into some potentially complex concerns here. So in answer to your first question, no, I don't think so. There's a legitimate reason he couldn't call you. Now that your phone is back on line, give him a call and tell him what's up.

I like him a lot, but I am afraid to get hurt. I am not the type of person to just rely on and start liking the first guy I see. I have to get to know him first and spend some time with him. Ya know?

I know what you mean, and that's a good healthy attitude to have and to stick by. Nobody likes to get hurt, but it happens. Maybe not with this guy, but someday you will get hurt. When it happens, just remember we all go through it in life, and we've all pulled through a little bit scarred but smarter. The say wisdom comes from experience. Where does experience come from? Mistakes. We all make 'em, so don't worry about it.

The other day, we kissed, it was good and long. Nothing more happened though. Then I had to go home. I think he was mad that I left. Should I be worried? I haven't been home to call him. What should I do?

There's certainly nothing wrong with neckin' (that means playing Tongue Twister, or making out, or whatever the kids call it these days) and leaving it at that. If he's mad that you left because he wanted it to go further and you didn't -- well, forget this cat. Let him know what the boundaries are, and if he can't deal with it then drop him like a wet hippy. Move on. If he's cool with it, then stick with him for awhile.

Remember that building a relationship is kinda like building a house. You need a good foundation to build upon. A relationship is based on trust and talking about stuff and whatnot. The physical side is the electrical wiring. You start messing with that before the framework is built, and you'll find yourself all tangled up, or should I say, All Twangled Up. (Sorry, couldn't resist slippin' that one in.)

Help! It's a love triangle!
Dear Spanky,
I have this problem at school with these two guys. Jason I talk to and I consider him my friend, yet I found out that he wants to be more then just friends. Then there's Travis who since the beginning of the year has been constantly stareing at me in class yet he will not strike up the nerve to come up to me and say anything. I was on a trip a little while ago and Jason was there, I ended up talking to this guy Steve who is a friend of both Travis and Jason. He told me that both Jason and Travis are interested in me. However neither has made a move and everything is dragging on and on in school. It is really bothering me and I don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt anyone in this whole triangle.
Help,
Love Triangle
British Columbia

Dear Love Triangle,
I'm afraid you not only have a problem deciding between two guys, but they both seem to be suffering from frigid feet. Luckily I've seen these problems before. The best way to set you on the road to romance is to examine the paths before you, set your goals, and put the wheels in motion to Kicksville. I certainly can't make your decision for you so I've laid out a few road maps and guide posts to help you along.

You always have Option One: Get aggressive and go out with both of them without the other knowing it. You could go out with say Travis on Friday and then Jason on Saturday. After one date, the decision may be obvious. This approach does carry with it a lot of potentially detrimental consequences if not pulled-off correctly. You must first consider your reputation, something that's difficult to repair unless you move around as often as I did. Although, some girls actually enjoy being known as two-timing-heart-breakers by their peers, and really don't give a flip. Last but not least, consider that in this day and age if you ask a guy out, they may expect YOU to drive THEM all over town, and then pay for dinner and the movie yourself! Don't get me started... Besides, any guy that you have to ask out just flat out isn't a Man anyhow, and you shouldn't waste your time. However, I detect by your pensive key strokes that this is not the approach for you, so I won't dwell on Option One.

Option Two: We must first consider the suspects. You say that Travis sits in class and stares at you constantly. This is a common teenage phenomenon that occurs when the young buck experiences what he thinks is "love at first sight." As far as he is concerned, he IS in love. Actuality though, he just finds you drop-dead gorgeous and would do anything for you, except, duh -- talk to you. This situation definitely gives you the upper hand. If you do go out with Travis, you will be able to talk him into doing and buying anything for you -- this is because the whole time he won't be able to believe he's actually out with you! He'll be terrified of screwing the evening up -- nervous about his breath, paranoid that a booger is hanging out of his nose, and terrified of accidently cutting the cheese. (Guys, fear not -- these are recoverable errors -- I speak from experience.) You should expect him to trip up a few times and stumble over his words early in the evening. Don't get too stuck-up though, or he may suddenly decide that he never could figure out what it was he saw in you to begin with, and become surly. This is the point that you may find yourself having irresistable feelings for him, and then you'll be the one staring at him constantly in the class room. That's just the way it works, doll.

Then there is Jason. You say that ya'll talk to each other already, which is a step in the right direction. A date with Jason would probably be the safest situation because you can lay down the ground rules that you'll go out with him once and see where it goes from there. If you get out on the date and figure out that there is just no flint in the Zippo for this guy, then you tell him thanks but (dare I say) "Let's keep on just being friends." Best Case Scenerio One: He figures it out as well and things are fine. However, be aware that the flipside to this is the worst scenario: that he ends up carrying an industrial-size blow torch for you and get so pissed off he never talks to you again. But, it sounds like he's just kind of testing the waters to me. Best Case Scenerio Two: You get out on a date with him and discover that ya'll were just made for each other. At this point, forget about Travis and have fun with Jason. Travis blew it, and hopefully he'll learn from this experience.

Now that we've run down the candidates and possible outcomes of each date, the question remains: How to get these guys to make a move? Well that's not so tuff in theory or execution really. Step One: Decide which guy you'd rather go out with. It sounds like the ball's in your court on this one.

Step Two, Option One: Begin flirting with the guy you choose. This shouldn't be hard with Jason. A few hair tosses and loving looks or winks should do the trick. Kind of bumping into him a little bit, and giving "love pats" when he says something funny or distasteful work real well, too. You may not feel completely comfortable with this at first, but at your young age you have no idea the effect this has on the male pysche. In dealing with Travis, some of these same tricks may work, but of course since he won't talk to you yet, you need to use the flirting to get him to say something. You might even ask him what he's staring at with a smile on your face accompanied by a hair toss. He'll either explode or be forced to say something. Don't expect it to make much sense -- later, he'll stare at the ceiling all night, kicking himself for what he "should have said." He should be a little smoother the next day.

Step Two, Option Two: (This one's real easy with swift and decisive results) All you have to do is get a girlfriend of yours (the gossipy kind are good for this, and I'm sure you know several) to tell the lucky guy that you are interested in him and would say "yes" to him if asked out. You can even write a note to her and have her show it to him like she was going behind your back. If he still doesn't ask you out knowing he has an ironclad confirmation, then forget about him. He's a loser, and probably always will be in all facets of life until the day he finally dies.

It's also fun to get them into an old-fashioned duel by letting Travis know you are interested in Jason and vice-versa. It shouldn't take more than asking them what they think of the other guy. Tell him you think the other one is kinda cute but you're just not sure if he's right for you. If one stands up and declares his intentions for you, that's your MAN! If they actually get into a fight, then every guy in school will have a crush you, since you are obviously a prize!

If you find yourself stuck deciding which guy to pick, here are some good determining factors: Looks, Style of car, Taste in Music, and Money. Face it -- at this point in your life you should be out for kicks. Teenagers grow up and get ulcers too soon these days, so have fun with it!

Lip-locked and lovin' it
Dear Spanky,
I'm only 12 but I have a big problem. I like girls a lot and i finaly got my first girlfriend. The problem is that we both wear braces and we started kissing a few days ago and we got into it a little much and our lips got sort of cut up. Luckily it's getting cold here so we could blame it on chapped lips. I don't mind the little bit of pain because it's worth it but when spring comes were not going to be able to hide it from our friends. Is there something we can do to keep this from happening? (I'm not going to stop kissing until my braces come off)
Chap Lipped
New Hampshire

Listen here young Chap!
I wouldn't dare suggest you stop kissing girls until your braces come off! Now, down to brass tacks. Take heart, in most cases, great kissers aren't born -- they're made. This means you have a lot of practicing ahead of you. My advice to you is this: try not to get so anxious right at first. (You'll find this to be helpful a ways down the road as well.) Keep your lips relaxed, and no matter what, don't try to cram your tongue down her throat the second your lips lock!! Wait a couple minutes, then go for it. And if the guys do find out and try to give you the business, "At least I've got a woman" is always the best come back; even if she is twelve. You might also ask why they're not out getting their OWN lips cut up -- shame 'em a little bit. Question their manhood. By the way, don't worry about getting your braces locked together -- that's a load of bull designed to scare budding Valentinos such as yourself.
Happy Reverbs,

Attack of the hippy chicks
Dear Spanky,
I'm a freshman in college. I finally met a girl the other night who's pretty cool and I like her a lot but there are some things about her I don't understand. We've hung out for a few nights, and I can't help noticing all these bumper stickers of these dancing colored bears on the back of her BMW and on her bathroom mirror and other places. I don't want to seem "unhip" and ask what they mean, but they must be pretty important to her since she's got them all over the place. It's almost like some kind of code or something, and I figured a guy like you would know. What the hell are they? Thanks.
Rob
Oklahoma

Rob,
Are you familiar with the term "ignorance is bliss"? Well before you read any further, you might want to sit back for a few moments and enjoy your last moments of peace -- it gets creepy from here. You no doubt are referring to these little demons:

I'm glad you came to me on this subject before you picked up any disinformation off the streets. These bears, innocent-looking enough, are actually representative of one of the most subversive forces within the G.R.E.M.M.I.E. (Global Resistance to Eliminate Manly Music's Influence Eternally) organization: the neo/pseudo-hippy sub-culture. Syndicate intelligence sources trace their origin back to a guy named Owlsley, a basement chemist legendary in hippy circles for the high-powered blotter acid he made in the 60s -- hippies hold him in the same regard that guys like you and me hold Carroll Shelby. These bears originally graced his blotter papers, but lately are found more often on expensive imported automobile bumpers like your girlfriend's. To be fair, she probably has a nebulous idea at best of what they actually mean -- she's probably just trying to be "cool." I should pause here to point out that not everyone who willingly exposes themselves to this nefarious conspiracy should be condemned. Most of them are simply unaware of what they are getting into and are soon unable to recognize what rock and roll is or what it stands for.

The symptoms start out innocently enough -- happy go-lucky music fans, just kinda groovin' to the beat. But then it degrades -- they start "flunking out of life" -- moving away from society and plotting the overthrow of the American government -- or at least dressing really badly and panhandling for change on street corners. This is the way G.R.E.M.M.I.E. operates -- preying upon the musical ignorance of the population at large, beating them into a stupor with an endless stream of tuneless drivel that turns them into mumbling zombies, giving their money and crippled psyches to The Cause, and I might add, burning a disproportionate amount of fossil fuels (so much for the environment, eh?) traveling the country to rendezvouz and "jam" with other members of their hippy extended family. Believe me, there is a central intelligence behind this movement, and I can guaran-dang-tee you that the people in question don't wear tie-dye, unless they're on covert assignment. Their victims are to be more pitied than reviled, but fear not -- they can be saved.

To avoid writing a dissertation, I'll focus in on your new acquaintance and how to behave around her. The next time you see her, be it in a car or domicile, put some surf music on the stereo -- I would suggest something like The Lively Ones, Eddie & the Showmen, some early Dick Dale, or heck, you might even pick up a Penetrators disc and pop it in. It's important to go straight for the jugular with these people. Watch her reaction.

Some hippies have been known to burst into fits of panic when confronted with actual music. You see, she probably hasn't heard a genuine melody in years, and this can be quite a shock to her nervous system. You ever see those vampire movies when they throw holy water on the vampires and their flesh starts bubbling and smoking and falling apart? This is roughly what's happening to the hippy's atrophied brain cells, but it's a holy water of a different sort: the salt water and roaring ocean spray that deep reverb imparts to your guitar. If this neuro-meltdown should occur, grab them thar tunes and run as fast as possible! You're just not ready to swim in waters this deep without learning about the tactics of the other side, and how to avoid getting yourself hurt. Trust me on this one, Rob -- you'll have to spend hours answering questions from cops and medics, who will definitely NOT understand what the hell you're talking about! So beat it. Scram. Get lost. Clear the coast. You get the picture. There are plenty of other chicks.

However, if she grins with interest at these 'strange' new sounds -- you know how curious babes will raise their eyebrow in that way that will drive a red-blooded man insane -- if this happens, then you have real potential to have a positive life-long affect on her. (Easy, boy -- this does not imply 'commitment' so don't get spooked.) A smile means that she's probably not been heavily indoctrinated and can be saved before she starts splashing on patchouli, neglecting her leg/armpit razor and recoiling in horror at the sight and smell of steaks and burgers on your backyard grill. At no time are you to allow her to play her G.R.E.M.M.I.E. discs. Our attorneys have advised us not to specifically name G.R.E.M.M.I.E.-sponsored bands on this forum, but you will be able to easily recognize them by their telltale hoofprints. We're not just talking about drug-crazed hippies here Rob, not by a longshot.

The hippy stuff is actually the least harmful of the G.R.E.M.M.I.E. roster -- good, though lazy times are the hook for the hippies, and that's understandable. A few warning signs give away the worst of the bunch -- atonal, self-indulgent songs without a trace of melody or discipline -- dark themes about death, alienation, mistrust, the devil, and just a general air of uneasiness combined with lots of self-loathing and whining. The videos are always a sure tipoff -- you know the kind -- shadowy people going in and out of focus, lots of nightmarish shots of maggots and insects, sinister machines in states of mechanical disarray, corruptions of religious imagery, pasty-skinned weaklings rolling in agony on floors, moping around, looking miserable and such. How can you expect anyone who feeds their brain a steady diet of this crap to recognize a good time when they see one, much less have one? More on that later, but back to your situation and ladyfriend.

Like I said, boycott the G.R.E.M.M.I.E. stuff, asap. This is for her own protection. She may protest, but chicks respect a guy who knows where he stands, and knows why he stands there. Follow one of the first bands you play with The Ventures. Unless she's lived in a cave her whole life, she is likely to hear some tunes with which she is somewhat familiar, and will begin asking you to play her more. The familiarity of a tune like Hawaii Five-O will help her ease into the pool, so to speak. Okay, now she digs your tunes. At this point, your discretion expands to anything from the Belairs to Laika & the Cosmonauts, because she will be on the road to musical healthiness, and you'll both be on the road to Kicksville! Hang in there, Rob. Don't be ashamed of your ignorance of the dark side. In fact, celebrate it! Like the license plate from your home state says, you're O.K.!
Happy Reverbs!