By Rip Thrillby
"Dang if ain't hotter'n two rats bumpin' uglies in a wool sock," he says, wiping sweat from his brow. "Air conditioner's been broke for purt near a week now."
He takes a sip of his drink and looks back out the window. "You hear that?" he asks. "That there's the UT marching band practicin' the Volunteer fight song, Rocky Top. Well... I like to say that part of havin' a rocky top is having a rocky bottom."
Slocum should know. As the Tennessee Volunteers' Team "Proctocologist" (sic) for the past six seasons, he's seen the Volunteer football team, as he says, from an angle "most flatland folks wudn't never thunk of."
And the Hiccup Holler, Tenn. native is convinced that the program he initiated, the now legendary Friday morning "Rocky Bottom Breakfast," has been instrumental in bringing the UT program back to national prominence.
Slocum recalls his first meeting with then new Head Coach Phillip Fulmer in August of 1993. "I says, 'Looky here, Coach. The last thing a ballplayer needs on his mind when he runs out on the field is to be worrying about is what kinda shape his rectum's in,'" he recalls.
"Folks just don't realize how important a good, healthy, muscular sphincter -- that's the tire-shaped muscle that controls your butthole, by the way -- is to an athlete's, in this case, a football player's ability to trot about effectively on the field! I mean, what are your leg muscles connected to if not your butt muscles? It's extremely obvious when you think about it."
So with Fulmer's approval, Slocum instituted college football's first sports cavity-inspection program, in which the entire Volunteer roster reports to the locker room at 7 am each Friday morning during football season. The Rocky Bottom Breakfasts have become Tennessee tradition, and consist of a colon inspection performed by Slocum, followed by a colonic cleansing performed by his assistant and team nurse Josiah Slocum, also the good doctor's nephew.
"I make sure their rectums is in fightin' shape, and then Josiah uses a special elixir that our granny, bless her soul, whupped up years and years ago 'fore she finally kicked the bucket back in '74," he says. "Family secret, so don't you go asking for the recipe."
Slocum says the breakfasts were "a tad" controversial at first, especially among players from out-of-state. "Yeah, some fellers had to be brought in just about plum kicking and screaming, but they eventually saw the effects that good rectal health had on their fitness, their reg'larity, and more importantly, on their game."
Slocum narrows his eye and points his cigarette for emphasis. "Once they figured that out... well, let's just say they learned to grab their ankles like they was borned in the Appalachians... even them fellers from the coast." He claims that the Rocky Bottom Breakfast program has actually helped recruit in-state players, particularly those from eastern Tennessee.
Slocum says the health and fitness benefits of a weekly anal examination are just the beginning. Their effect on motivating a team for the next day's game "cannot be overestimatized," he says, and that that really may be the program's most important benefit. "You see, ever' week's a different team, and ever' week's a different Rocky Bottom Breakfast. We tailor 'em to fire 'em up for their opponent that week.
"Coach Fulmer wants his boys to imagine the other team's players crying in pain and gettin' humiliationized by the long arm of the Vols," he says. "And that's where the breakfasts are like our secret motivational atom bomb weapon, or flamethrower or somethin' like that.
Slocum takes another sip of his Wild Turkey and buttermilk -- a "Moo-Chicken," he calls the cocktail -- burps, and chuckles to himself. "Like I said, ever' week's different. You see, some teams are kind of tough to figure out what to yell," he laughs. He says the team lines up in numeric order for the breakfast exam, and so the punters are often the ones who establish that week's mascot yell. "Early in the season, this poor feller at the head of the line figured since Syracuse was the Orangemen and we're the Orange, singing 'Rocky Top' would be close enough.
"Uh uh, nope. Boy, was Coach Fulmer pissed when he heard that, if you know whut I mean," he laughs. "Coach takes a keen interest in the Rocky Bottom Breakfasts every week, you know. Kinda pissed me off too, to tell the truth, even if he was an ignorant coast-folker kid."
As far as traditional rivals go, he says that "Alabama's always interestin,' hearing 'em try to sound like an elephant, and I always get a kick outta hearin' em howl like a Georgia bulldog too." Slocum says, adding that the mascot imitations often have quite humorous results.
"Playing Florida's always funny, 'cause a gator don't really make a noise, ya know, they just kinda flop around in the mud. So for that game every year they gotta flop around on the floor during Rocky Bottom Breakfast. My back's always sore after that, bending over for a couple hours with my hand up eight-ought butts or so, whilst they flop around and whatnot. It's worth it though, if you know whut I mean. Hell, you saw what happened a couple weeks back. I rest my case."
"Yeah, they ain't kidding, but a feller can get killed a lot quicker than from plain ol' lung rot," he says, with a dismissive wave. Slocum recalls how during week six of the 1994 season, his work resulted in him losing his left eye due to third degree burns to his cornea. "It was a fairly normal Rocky Bottom Breakfast that morning, and we got up to the defensive linemen. I'm not gonna say which one it was 'cause I don't want to embarrass his mama, but I heard this rumble... and... well, you probably know what methane gas does when you make a spark, if you know whut I mean. Turns out the team had pork and beans for dinner the night before. I mean, shit fire, if you'll pardon the pun, that's the last time I'll light a smoke during inspection, I'll tell you whut."
Well, that explains one of the unusual aspects of the man affectionately known around the UT-Knoxville campus as "Jumpin' Jehosephat" -- but what's the story behind the surgical glove the good doctor favors as a hat? "The glove's what I call my 'trademark,'" he says proudly. "Started wearing it during the very first Rocky Bottom Breakfast. Ever'body was half asleep 'ceptin' me, and one of the assistant coaches says, 'Dang, Doc! You actually LIKE this gettin' up with roosters, dontcha?'
"I says, 'Well, I guess maybe I'm part rooster,' and I put the glove on my head and started cock-a-doodle doin', flapping my arms, kicking my legs like a rooster scratchin in the dirt and whatnot -- you know, just horsin' around with the fellers. Ever'body was laughing like a bunch of hyeners, so I figured I'd stumbled onto somethin' good to break the ice and whatnot.
"Now ever'body in town knows me, and they can spot me in a crowd, and I get treated real good around Knoxville. Besides, you don't always have your kit-bag handy, and you never know when duty's gonna call. You know what they say: a proctocologist's work ain't never done."
Slocum looks out the window, listening to the sound of the marching band playing Rocky Top for the umpteenth time of the afternoon. "Horns is gettin' drowned out by the drums. Hear that? Sounds like them horn players out there could use some lower-abdomen conditioning. You know, preventive proctolocogy ain't just for football players." He pauses thoughtfully. "Hmm... I don't do nothin' on Tuesday mornin's but sleep," he says, and reaches for his desk phone. He winds the generator arm, and presses the intercom button for his receptionist.
"Girly Sue, get me the marching band director's office on the wire. I got me an idear I wanna share with him."
Send your questions to Jumpin' Jehosephat! Editor's note: It was revealed Monday that Jehosephat Slocum was not actually a licensed physician and has never attended medical school, attaining only a bachelor's degree in firearms repair from the University of Tennessee at Knoxville in 1981. However, the UT Athletic Department released a statement Tuesday that Slocum will remain on the UT athletic staff, since Slocum has never claimed to be a licensed physician, and that the university always "just assumed he was, and he's proven himself extremely valuable to the football program." According to UT Athletic Director B.R. Fivefornine, Slocum will continue his Rocky Bottom Breakfast duties indefinitely. |
"Behind" the scenes in the Tennessee locker room with trainer Jehosephat Slocum
umpin'" Jehosephat Slocum pours a shot of Wild Turkey into his glass of buttermilk and motions to the open window of his office in the University of Tennessee Athletic Department building.
"'Cause you see, UT Medical School studies have shown over and over again, year after year, that regular colonic cleansings -- that means flushin' out your butthole, by the way -- keep you reg'lar and fit as a fiddle. But that's just the beginning of the story where athletes is concerned," he says, waving his hands about, his voice rising. 
He hints, however, that a freshly-flushed Volunteer rectum smells "fresher than a mint sprig," and that fresh persimmon juice is one vital ingredient. "I don't know if you've never eaten a green persimmon before, but if you have you'll know why we use 'em," he says, punctuating his sentence with a whistle.
"'Cause you see, here's what we do: me and the coaching staff, we sit down and look at what the other team's mascot is. Well, as soon as a player grabs his ankles and I start examining, they gotta sound off with whatever sound that opponent's mascot makes. Get it? Let's say it's a wildcat or a tiger, like Kentucky or LSU. By the time I'm wrist deep if they ain't screaming at the top of their lungs like a mountain-lion caught up in a bear trap, well, let's just say there's gonna be hell to pay from Coach Fulmer, if you know whut I mean."
Slocum catches his breath and lights another unfiltered Lucky Strike. "It ain't all fun and games, though," he says, and taps on the "T"-emblazoned patch covering his left eye. He takes a drag on the cigarette and continues. "You know, some people in my line of work -- medicine, that is -- say these things here'll kill ya if you ain't careful.